Outside of my relationship with God and my wife, there is nothing more important than my children. I have a daughter from a college liaison, let's call D1, that twenty-three years ago I gave up for adoption to the man who wanted to marry my college friend. I have a son from my first marriage, he will be S3, and two from my present and final marriage, S4 and D3. My wife had three children in her first marriage, S1, D2, and S2, which means between us, seven people are walking the planet as a direct result of our choices.
When D1's mom thought it best I have NO contact with our daughter, but my family (parents, aunts) were still big parts of her life, I was able to stay up to date on D1's life. When she asked about me, she was told some sort of nonsense, and when she actively was looking to speak with me (through my parents whom she called Grandma & Grandpa) she was fifteen, so I wrote her a letter telling her how I wanted what was best for her, and her mom and the man that loved them both could make a good family for her. I was honest, telling her I loved her from the time she was born, but made choices because her mom and I weren't in love. Now D1 will be 26 next month, and she is a single mom with a one year old boy, and she lives on the east coast. She stays in touch via email and "Myspace", and she acknowledges me as a person. The irony is that my stepchildren and my own S3 treat me the same way.
Raised in my house, those children are just as uncommunicative, uncaring and unavailable emotionally as the girl who's only connection with me is biological. A symptom of the generation and our culture, I believe. However, that is a thought for a different blog. Now I have D2 who also had a child and needed my wife and my support for a time, and has an incredibly strange rationale for what she is entitled to. She doesn't refer to S4 and D3 as her brother and sister, just as "my mother's kids". This entitlement is shared unconsciously by all 5 of the older children. S1 is 26, and he keeps in touch to inform us about him. He has told us how he feels strongly that he needs to be more involved in his younger siblings lives, but only how they relate to HIM. There is no desire to relate to them. Examples - S4, an 11 year old, is very intelligent and has a communication level that S1 can understand. They chat for hours via Skype while D3, a nine year old, is dying to participate and listen and even tell her stories, but the parents have to intervene just to allow her any time at all. I am frequently perplexed by this phenomena, and then I hear stories of other children from a myriad of different ideologies and households who have the very same entitlement issues. I still feel quite guilty, even with the evidence society presents, for the following reasons:
My two youngest, S4 and D3, are still in the formative stages, elementary school ages. We have provided a great foundation of the importance of God, family, education, physical activities, and friends. D3 doesn't seem to get it. She just dances through life, making the same repeated errors, and her actions when explaining are simply, "yea, so what?" or a vacant stare that begs the question, "Hello, is ANYBODY home?" I feel like such a failure when I stand back and look at the large canvas of my family. It is my fault.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
Ramblings
Happy New Year to all of my three readers - been a busy holiday season with Christmas, school, family visiting from Colorado for an all-too-brief time. My 94 year-young grandma came with my parents. It was a blessing to spend so much time with her. My niece had her right ACL surgically repaired the day after Christmas, which became a freaky and almost surreal time with my sister and my brother-in-law, but a great new beginning and opportunity for one of the sweetest people on this planet. My oldest niece is a humble, talented and gorgeous high school junior. She has never had more than a scrape or bruise, and now she is dealing with a major injury and repair. This process is slower than she imagined. She is young and very healthy, with a great orthopedic surgeon - she will heal to a point almost as good as new -
This is the home stretch of my Bachelor Degree - I must get back to my term paper on English and Education and humor - a goofy topic, huh?
This is the home stretch of my Bachelor Degree - I must get back to my term paper on English and Education and humor - a goofy topic, huh?
Friday, December 7, 2007
Motivation Only Comes From Within
I was sitting in my college class last week and heard my Professor exclaim that growing up on the east coast and living in Europe had made it very easy for him to love southern California, but he admitted it was hard to get into Christmas with 70 - 80 degree days, and the general lack of concern people here have for others. Actuating as I have from Colorado, I am also drawn to the "white" of the winter season as well as the crispness of sub-freezing temperatures. I truly miss the Christmas season. Unlike my prof, I miss Colorado ALL THE TIME.
I have the most awesome companion in life. My wife, my sweetie, my love is such a fantastic woman, and she has taught me so many life lessons, and this one I finally get - the outer esoteric "stuff" that we humans count on to change our mood or motivate our actions is not important, the mind and the heart of the individual is where true behavior derives, whether it's positive or negative.
Remember this Christmas to hug those you love, be kind to those you don't, and above all, give God all the praise for giving his Son to us as the Ultimate Gift of love, to weak and pathetic humans who don't deserve anything from God accept contempt for our lack of respect and punishment for our behavior.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Almost Everything is Changeable
I have heard it said far too many times, "(Insert a name here) will never change. He/She is just as (insert a negative personal characteristic here) now as they have ever been." The laughable part is that as humans nothing is ever the same twice. Just as ironic is the millions of people on this big blue rock who are resistant even to the point of animosity toward change. If repeating perfectly was easy, many many people would be far better at sports, art, and music. Other activities would be far more simple and more frequently mastered, like typing out forms at work, driving, exercising, cleaning, etc.
I need to insert a disclaimer here, that people who chose to talk without conscience, or let alcohol or drugs control their actions are not diseased anymore than people with red hair or that are left hand dominant are satanic. This argument is not of any substance and usually a lazy excuse for foolishness. Those who choose to give in consistently to fleshly desires (booze, drugs, overeating, sex, lying, gossip, narcissism) have no one but themselves to blame for their plight, although most will be quick to blame "any port in a storm".
The beauty of this problem is that choices abound for every individual - to exercise instead of smoking that pipe or poppin' those pills, to paint, sing, or write and put the bottle away. To talk to a friend or a professional counselor instead of going to the Internet porn, to chew carrots and celery instead of a dozen doughnuts. Even in our speech, change is doable. Swearing isn't necessary, and gossip is a choice as well. But beware of the devout who gossip under veiled curtains of prayer requests or concerns for brothers and sisters in Christ.
The only thing I can find that can not change is that promise of peace, joy, and the security deep inside from God 's promise. No matter where you turn and what you do, God's promise is there - the opportunity to live with an assurance of salvation, more than a fleeting feeling when nice things happen, but an assurance from your soul that the Holy Spirit is your guide. Not that this makes the trip easier, because that is hardly ever the case. Courage and strength come from doing what is right and usually you have to brave a current of popular opinion to go the right direction.
Friends can be fickle - Look at the example from the Bible of how the citizens of Jerusalem cried out HOSANNA! when Jesus entered the city, and they laid palm branches in front of him as a sign of regal acknowledgment. Then less than one week later, their cries were CRUCIFY HIM! On the other hand, the thief crucified beside Jesus changed his heart and Jesus promised him a place in Paradise in the man's final minutes of life. Change is inevitable, if we learn anything from nature. The choice is a natural process. Why not choose to live a life of happiness, joy and trust instead of deceit, selfishness, and misery?
I need to insert a disclaimer here, that people who chose to talk without conscience, or let alcohol or drugs control their actions are not diseased anymore than people with red hair or that are left hand dominant are satanic. This argument is not of any substance and usually a lazy excuse for foolishness. Those who choose to give in consistently to fleshly desires (booze, drugs, overeating, sex, lying, gossip, narcissism) have no one but themselves to blame for their plight, although most will be quick to blame "any port in a storm".
The beauty of this problem is that choices abound for every individual - to exercise instead of smoking that pipe or poppin' those pills, to paint, sing, or write and put the bottle away. To talk to a friend or a professional counselor instead of going to the Internet porn, to chew carrots and celery instead of a dozen doughnuts. Even in our speech, change is doable. Swearing isn't necessary, and gossip is a choice as well. But beware of the devout who gossip under veiled curtains of prayer requests or concerns for brothers and sisters in Christ.
The only thing I can find that can not change is that promise of peace, joy, and the security deep inside from God 's promise. No matter where you turn and what you do, God's promise is there - the opportunity to live with an assurance of salvation, more than a fleeting feeling when nice things happen, but an assurance from your soul that the Holy Spirit is your guide. Not that this makes the trip easier, because that is hardly ever the case. Courage and strength come from doing what is right and usually you have to brave a current of popular opinion to go the right direction.
Friends can be fickle - Look at the example from the Bible of how the citizens of Jerusalem cried out HOSANNA! when Jesus entered the city, and they laid palm branches in front of him as a sign of regal acknowledgment. Then less than one week later, their cries were CRUCIFY HIM! On the other hand, the thief crucified beside Jesus changed his heart and Jesus promised him a place in Paradise in the man's final minutes of life. Change is inevitable, if we learn anything from nature. The choice is a natural process. Why not choose to live a life of happiness, joy and trust instead of deceit, selfishness, and misery?
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
What is the Cost of Patriotism?
Bravo to the NFL. The decision to delay the game for the safety of the fans and players in Pittsburgh on November 26 was well thought out, most probably a plan for just such a contingency implemented years ago. The decision to forgo the National Anthem to save a few minutes was a spur-of-the-moment bout of stupidity for which all professional sports will take hits for years to come. An extra ten or fifteen minutes tops was saved in order that a tradition that dates WAY BACK was abolished. Is that the true national "anthem"? $$$ - The drive of the almighty dollar, waved under the noses of NFL executives, completely ignored a landmark of sorts.
The epidemic could spread in the worst way - soon schools and businesses across the country will cease flying the flag outside their buildings because the cost of the people in putting it up and taking it down. Boys and girls alike will stop wanting to serve their country because the financial benefits are solely in the private sector. Acres of purple mountains and amber waves are over developed for suburban housing, while cities turn into slums. Politicians will begin to bend away from the good of the nation to seek compensation for themselves. Yet I digress.
This day I am ashamed to be a rabid football fan. This day I feel foolish as an American, being laughed at world wide for the greedy stupidity that permeates professional sports. All I can imagine is that the players union of the NFL is so pathetic that this could only happen in football. Baseball's union would have had lawyers on the field with an injunction preventing the kickoff until the proper amenities were observed. Not for the love of country, but because of psychological repercussions if the same routine is not followed to the letter.
My cynicism knows no bounds today - I am emotionally in pain for many reasons today. And here I sit, breaking from my schoolwork only long enough to scribble this on a blog. I yearn for the day when I can make a difference in this world. Maybe I won't change the whole world, but just a little corner of it.
GOD BLESS AMERICA, because by itself it is doomed!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
An Ethical Shell Game
First of all, I don't care if Barry is found guilty or not of the crimes he has been indicted. I know he is/was an outstanding baseball player, as was Caminiti, Canseco, Palmiero, McGwire, and many others who preceded him in retirement. However, this article isn't about whether his career was a sham, or if the records are asterisk worthy, or about him directly. It is about how the story is being covered, see reported on, by the media.
The question of morality and ethics is best suited for this blog, but has been reprinted in my other sports blog for better coverage. I am so tired and frustrated, even exhausted with this yada, yada, yada about Mr. Bonds and the federal indictment that came down on Thursday. Men who have jobs talking about sports have all weighed in. Many in the past twenty four hours have done nothing to endure themselves to me by their intellect. I admit I haven't heard or read everyone, so I only have a limited scope - yet that scope has had to tolerate (actually I did shut off the radio and stopped reading because of my brimming exasperation). I begin my tirade with Tim Kurkjian, when he claimed Bonds belongs in the Hall of Fame for his production before the alleged steroid desecration began. He also claimed on ESPN that he would wait until after the trial and peruse the morals clause of the Hall inhabitants. Mr Kurkjian, may I direct your attention to Mr. Pete Rose, who's sins were AFTER he stopped playing and became the all-time hits leader in all of Major League Baseball. That hypocrisy raises my ire much too fast.
Next, the baseball panel of Pete Gammons, Rob Parker, Tim Kurkjian, and Buster Olney with Bob Ley was interesting. Gammons admitted to voting for confessed cheater Gaylord Perry. So what? He also said that he wanted to wait and watch the trial before holding judgement. Why would the trial for obstruction of justice and perjury make any difference about his status for Baseball's Hall? Parker talked of "brethren" who "just don't like Bonds and won't vote for him." He admitted to voting for McGwire, as did Kurkjian, which must be their rationale for turning a blind eye to this era and ALL of its participants. Buster was very careful about his personal views, and almost all of his words were about other voters, other players, etc.
Many other people have spoken out about Barry Bonds. Buster in another context brought up the 1919 "Black Sox" Scandal where the players were acquitted and still banned by the then commissioner of the baseball. The Charles Barkley interview was ridiculous. Saying it was a racial issue. Excuse me, Mr. Barkley, Caucasian Mark received only 23% of the vote for the Hall of Fame, and when he retired he was a no-doubt first ballot guy. McGwire is a pariah now - Giambi is a nothing now, and to put the focus back on the indictment, Sir Charles completely forgot that the court is going after Barry not because of his hat size increase, but HE LIED TO A FEDERAL GRAND JURY! Barkley used the two aforementioned white guys to argue the "obviousness" (is that a word?) that "they" were only going after Barry. I wish he would play ball, because he was more entertaining and far less frustrating then. Local L.A. sports radio talked about how "Pudge" Rodriguezand Rafael Palmiero were given a pass along with Giambi and McGwire - again I say "FOCUS, PEOPLE!" This is about Federal Grand Jury/Balco stuff. These other guys may have told the truth on the witness stand.
And then, the Al Sharpton of the African-American athlete, Steven A. Smith went on an insane diatribe with Rob Parker on "First and 10", as well as guest shots onother radio shows, and made Barkley look like a Rhodes Scholar Quantum Physicist. He is so far removed from reality and so not entertaining - like the crotch shots on AFV, one or two make you chuckle, then you just can't deal with that clip anymore!
The question of morality and ethics is best suited for this blog, but has been reprinted in my other sports blog for better coverage. I am so tired and frustrated, even exhausted with this yada, yada, yada about Mr. Bonds and the federal indictment that came down on Thursday. Men who have jobs talking about sports have all weighed in. Many in the past twenty four hours have done nothing to endure themselves to me by their intellect. I admit I haven't heard or read everyone, so I only have a limited scope - yet that scope has had to tolerate (actually I did shut off the radio and stopped reading because of my brimming exasperation). I begin my tirade with Tim Kurkjian, when he claimed Bonds belongs in the Hall of Fame for his production before the alleged steroid desecration began. He also claimed on ESPN that he would wait until after the trial and peruse the morals clause of the Hall inhabitants. Mr Kurkjian, may I direct your attention to Mr. Pete Rose, who's sins were AFTER he stopped playing and became the all-time hits leader in all of Major League Baseball. That hypocrisy raises my ire much too fast.
Next, the baseball panel of Pete Gammons, Rob Parker, Tim Kurkjian, and Buster Olney with Bob Ley was interesting. Gammons admitted to voting for confessed cheater Gaylord Perry. So what? He also said that he wanted to wait and watch the trial before holding judgement. Why would the trial for obstruction of justice and perjury make any difference about his status for Baseball's Hall? Parker talked of "brethren" who "just don't like Bonds and won't vote for him." He admitted to voting for McGwire, as did Kurkjian, which must be their rationale for turning a blind eye to this era and ALL of its participants. Buster was very careful about his personal views, and almost all of his words were about other voters, other players, etc.
Many other people have spoken out about Barry Bonds. Buster in another context brought up the 1919 "Black Sox" Scandal where the players were acquitted and still banned by the then commissioner of the baseball. The Charles Barkley interview was ridiculous. Saying it was a racial issue. Excuse me, Mr. Barkley, Caucasian Mark received only 23% of the vote for the Hall of Fame, and when he retired he was a no-doubt first ballot guy. McGwire is a pariah now - Giambi is a nothing now, and to put the focus back on the indictment, Sir Charles completely forgot that the court is going after Barry not because of his hat size increase, but HE LIED TO A FEDERAL GRAND JURY! Barkley used the two aforementioned white guys to argue the "obviousness" (is that a word?) that "they" were only going after Barry. I wish he would play ball, because he was more entertaining and far less frustrating then. Local L.A. sports radio talked about how "Pudge" Rodriguezand Rafael Palmiero were given a pass along with Giambi and McGwire - again I say "FOCUS, PEOPLE!" This is about Federal Grand Jury/Balco stuff. These other guys may have told the truth on the witness stand.
And then, the Al Sharpton of the African-American athlete, Steven A. Smith went on an insane diatribe with Rob Parker on "First and 10", as well as guest shots onother radio shows, and made Barkley look like a Rhodes Scholar Quantum Physicist. He is so far removed from reality and so not entertaining - like the crotch shots on AFV, one or two make you chuckle, then you just can't deal with that clip anymore!
Friday, November 2, 2007
When You're Blessed, You Are Blessed!
Tonight I was blessed at a worship service where a concert broke out! Mercy Me is not just a great studio band, their live show is incredible. Anything that motivates me to be more than the lazy channel surfing slob I am inside is so good it is just short of miraculous. I was so lucky to see them perform at Crossroads Church in Corona, CA along with Aaron Shust and a duet called Monk & Neagle - a couple of young men with acoustic guitars and dynamic harmonies and amazingly insightful lyrics. The night was special as we shared it with friends; a couple that we know from my wife's work. I have heard the phrase "Keep Jesus the focus" a million times in my life, but tonight all of the groups that led the audience in worship truly were in the backseat and were very comfortable there.
Musically the concert was tight, with good mix of vocal and instruments. In this sanctuary that seats approx 1000 people in stadium seats with a pro stage, I was tremendously impressed. Loving the band Mercy Me as I do I was disappointed they only sang for an hour and a half, doing just a few songs from each CD, including the not-yet-released CD. I was so jazzed to hear that mix of vocals and instruments from the band - Bart has an amazing gift, his pipes are very powerful and have such a rich sound - even when in his highest register!
Enough critique - if you have the opportunity to hear them live, take it! And, as was said many times by all the bands, whatever you do, choose to give God glory, and wait for the end to see it all work out! This message really struck home to me as we have experienced our share of trials, and God's reward has always been evident. Some things we (my life partner, wife, sweetheart, lover all in one) are still trusting on some things, but Joshua, Gideon, Elijah, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, Daniel, Simon Peter, and many others stand as our examples of God's faithfulness and His ability to be glorified through the stupidity and frailty of mankind. Be blessed in your daily routines - give it all you have, for God promised to give you all He has!
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